Lies We Told

“The books we read in class always seem to have a connection with some angsty adolescent drama that is going on. Except for Huckleberry Finn...cause I don't know any teenage boys who have run away with a hulking black guy." -Easy A

Although not a teenager or taking a class anymore, I found this quote from Emma Stone’s character (Olive) from this film to be fitting to something I finished reading last week. Last week I read Chelsea Handler’s Lies that Chelsea Handler Told Me, which is a book put together by her friends and relatives and is mixed with Chelsea’s insight about each person. This is her fourth book, and being an avid admirer of her other works (especially Are you there Vodka? It’s me, Chelsea) I knew I had to purchase this work and see if it lived up to my past expectations and it did.

While reading this book, I found myself relating a lot to the people that were writing their stories about Chelsea. I was relating so much that some of the excerpts could’ve easy been about me, my family, and friends (hence the Easy A quote). So I’ve decided to dedicate this entry to lies I’ve told and lies other have told me.

Let’s begin with a lie I’ve told. This was inspired by Josh Wolf’s chapter in the book titled “Go Lakers” (p 157) in which he described the following:

“I grew up with three older brothers who waged mental warfare on me my entire childhood. They had me convinced for years that I was adopted but that my parents would never admit it because they didn’t want to hurt my feelings.”

Well I did just that, well almost. When I would get frustrated with my sister or I wanted to win a battle with her, I would just blurt out that she was adopted. It was almost like arsenal on reserve. The only downside was that she would then tell on me to my parents, who would signal me to cut it out. On more than one occasion it would cause her to start tearing up, and instead of saying just kidding, I would go on to say something snide like “You see how you can’t stop crying? That’s exactly why your birth parents gave you up.” It’s not my proudest moment, but there’s something to be said for the way I would work to win.

Of course this didn’t affect the wonderful relationship we have, and continue to have. As a matter of fact, I made her read this section of Handler’s book and she started to crack up. In her opinion, there was comfort in knowing I wasn’t the only sibling out their executing this type of retaliation.

Next, a lie I’ve been told. This was inspired by Eva Magdalenski’s chapter titled “Eva is my Name, Comedy is my Game” (p 197) in which she says the following:

“If you need to go to the bathroom, grab a bagel, or have a desire for a drink on Margarita Thursdays, you’d better remember to lock your computer before you leave. If you have a laptop it’s better to just bring it with you. If you don’t, Chelsea will humiliate you.”

In the chapter Eva elaborates on how Chelsea goes about emailing people lies and sending them messages that are completely inappropriate or outside the real sender’s character. Enter my friend Sarey. Sarey, in my book, is now notorious for this type of behavior. Having the occasional inappropriate comment at an inappropriate time isn’t enough. I’ve made the foolish mistake, when we both happened to be in grad school at the same time, of being in the library studying for a good while, going to the bathroom, and leaving my Blackberry behind. Sarey didn’t see this as a “oh my friend is gone, I should still focus on my studies” moment, but used it to pounce onto my device like a tiger, and text away messages to people of something that hadn’t really happened.

Because I was initially unaware of this, Sarey was in the background being coy and pretending that she had done nothing but study while I was away when she was indeed looking forward to how her recent actions were about to play out. I then got one text message after the other informing me of things I couldn’t quite wrap my head around. And it didn’t stop, those messages just kept on coming. One Blackberry ping sound after the other started to invade my phone. In suspicion of foul play, I looked at my outbox and saw what Sarey had sent out. She then confessed and went on laughing about while I had to deal with some damage control.

However, I’ve learned my lesson: lock my computer, phone, iPods, and messenger pigeons and I’ll be just fine. I did find it hilarious when Yaya and Jaz were over at Sarey’s and Sarey had left her Facebook page on her computer open. Yaya and Jaz went about their mischief posting things about Sarey in her voice. I so happened to be on Facebook during that time, and the real-time posts I would read had me cracking up. I already suspected the culprits and when they confirmed their actions, I applauded their efforts. Sarey, after finding out, deleted the posts, issued a Facebook clarification, and got over it. Why? Because it all stems from us trying to have fun in our friendships, which is what makes those relationships last.